


I know you're out there, in the shadows

by Ilrona



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Armitage is willing to write letters to him for the Empire, Epistolary, M/M, Nine-year-old Ben is a kind and sweet kid, Pre-Canon, benarmie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 20:32:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7522138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilrona/pseuds/Ilrona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nine-year-old Ben Organa-Solo and fourteen-year-old Armitage Hux begin writing letters to each other as part of a correspondence program between the children of the New Republic and the remains of the Empire. It starts with introductions and a list of their favorite things, then later Hux unknowingly encourages Ben to step onto the path that will make him one of the commanders of the First Order, and ends with Hux ending it before he could realize who Ben has become.</p>
<p>Even so many years later, Kylo still thinks about it sometimes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I know you're out there, in the shadows

**Author's Note:**

> For [this prompt](http://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/3961.html?thread=8279161#cmt8279161) at the TFA kink meme.
> 
> Title is from the lyrics of ‘Dear Fellow Traveler' by Sea Wolf. This is my second fic with a title from this song, oh well.
> 
> There's a [Russian translation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14038287) of this fanfic by [Lenuchka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lenuchka/pseuds/Lenuchka). Thank you so much!

Kylo remembers, though only very faintly, the imagined but never actually seen lanky boy sitting in front of a window flecked with raindrops, not smiling but not looking very unhappy either, staring down at his datapad with serious, clever eyes that sometimes become bright with kindness.

Now Kylo stares at General Hux sitting on his lap, and he tries to imagine him younger, but it’s very hard. Perhaps his cheeks used to be rounder, his back less straight, his hair a little longer, allowed to be unruly. Perhaps not.

“Is it true that there used to be a correspondence program between the children of Imperial officers and the children of the New Republic one or two decades ago?”

Hux looks surprised. His eyes narrow a little, as if he’s trying to find an explanation for the out of nowhere question on Kylo’s face. Kylo just stares at him, trying to pretend he doesn’t feel bothered by the scrutiny, but his heart is beating so fast now. He doesn’t remember feeling so nervous in a very long time – it’s not sexual excitement, not panic in a battle, not fear from the Light, just simple nervousness, like a silly child’s.

“Yes. It was the New Republic’s idea. They were worried – and they were right – that the defeated Empire will teach their children to loathe the New Republic, and that the children of the New Republic will be wary of the next Imperial generation as well. Their ridiculous idea to prevent this was to encourage friendships between the children of the two sides. If the children are friends, they will understand that they are not so different, and will be able to work together peacefully despite the animosity of their parents, or something stupid like that. It was the same naivety that made the Senate pass the Military Disarmament Act. Those fools vastly overestimated the power of a few letters sent by children who live in different regions of the galaxy and in very different societies.”

Kylo's hand curls around Hux’s neck, teasing the pale skin with a thumb. Hux’s eyes flutter, pleased. “You don’t think the First Order could have recruited some children that way?”

Hux scoffs. “We have quicker and easier ways of recruiting children, as you very well know.”

Kylo hums. “Perhaps a very clever Imperial child would have been able to help convince even the most loyal New Republic kid to turn away from their home.”

He waits – with hope and fear in equal measure – for the spark of understanding, of recognition in Hux’s eyes, but there’s nothing. Of course there isn’t. Hux is smart, brilliant in certain aspects, but as long as he doesn’t know who Kylo used to be, there’s no way even he could figure it out. It should be a relief. Everything about Kylo’s past should remain buried.

He kisses Hux, bites into his lower lip to make him moan and squirm eagerly on his lap, hands scrambling to find purchase on Kylo’s big shoulders.

“Armitage,” Kylo whispers, pushing the word out as if it were a shameful secret and the key to understanding every mystery in the galaxy at the same time. Hux’s body tenses. Kylo slips an arm around his waist to keep him there, though Hux isn’t struggling to leave him. The look on his face conveys only mild annoyance.

“I like your name.” Hux glares at him. It’s not as powerful as the glares on the bridge, now that Hux is sitting on his lap as if that’s the only place where he could ever truly belong, but it’s still a quite fine glare. “You look now like I’m the first person to ever say that to you.”

“You aren’t,” Hux admits. He hesitates. Kylo can feel him swallow, his palm pressed against Hux’s throat. Hux's eyes are far away. “There was this boy, once, a little boy, he was only nine when he said that, and I didn’t know him well. But he liked my name too.”

Kylo wants to push inside Hux’s mind to be absolutely certain Hux is talking about him – not him, not really, but about little Ben Organa-Solo. He wants to ask Hux: _Do you remember me? Do you know that without you I would have perhaps never had the strength to choose Snoke instead of the Jedi? Do you know that sometimes it felt like you were the only one I could call a friend? Do you still like that five-fish food from your homeplanet the most, or would you find another favorite food if I took you to a few great restaurants in the galaxy? Is your favorite weapon still the blaster, or do you now prefer your glorious Starkiller instead, unparalleled in power and dread?_

Instead, Kylo doesn’t say anything. It could – would, certainly – only make things worse. It’s enough that he has Hux now, here on his lap. A dead boy’s letters once sent to a teenager who is someone else now don't matter anymore.

He thinks about how Hux’s eyes are better and worse than anything little Ben could have imagined. They are serious and clever, that’s true, but they are so breathtakingly ruthless too. They are the eyes of an executioner, the eyes of a conqueror.

_Yes_ , Kylo thinks, shivering in wonder as he takes Hux’s chin between his fingers to kiss him again. They are both so much better now than those two boys used to be.

* * *

The very first draft, unsent, deleted:

Dear Ben,

I hate the Rebellion, I hate the New Republic, I hate everything related to them. I hate that I have to do this, pretend to be friends with the son of two so-called Rebel heroes (they are not heroes at all!) who helped destroy everything! I hate that I was the one chosen for this shameful, ridiculous task because I’m ‘sometimes sweet’ and ‘empathetic enough’. I’m neither! And how awful is it that father is trying to exploit the weakness he’s always telling me will only make it harder for me to succeed. I should get rid of it as soon as possible, he always says so, but apparently now it’s a good thing?

But I will do it. For father, for the Empire, for a better future where we won’t have to run from the usurper New Republic. I will make you trust me so that you will, hopefully, spill some secrets that you’re too stupid to understand should never be known by us and that will help us retake the galaxy. I don’t know how many military or political secrets a little kid like you can know, but we will see. Now I will quickly delete this before I accidentally send it and ruin this charade before it could even begin.

 

Dear Ben,

My name is Armitage Hux, son of Commandant Brendol Hux. Don’t ask me about my mother: I don’t know anything about her. What about your parents? I’m fourteen years old. My father is trying to prove to the New Republic that despite our horrible defeat and the tragic loss of the Empire we will try to remake our lives peacefully and without any resentment and do our best to be friends with the members of the New Republic – and you are one of them. So please don’t consider me an enemy, just another boy who wishes to be your friend.

I would be happy to learn more about you. I will also tell you a few of my favorite things now, so that you can know a little about me too: My favorite planet is Arkanis (I was born there, though I’m not living there now), my favorite color is red, my favorite weather is rainy, my favorite animals are cats (I like both manka cats and the less dangerous ones), my favorite weapon is the blaster, my favorite food is the Arkanisian five-fish stew, though most of the food we eat isn't delicious.

Best wishes,

Armitage Hux, son of Commandant Brendol Hux

 

Dear Armitage,

You have a long name, but I like it! I don’t know who Brendol Hux is, but I’m sure he is awesome! I think you know my parents: they are Princess Leia Organa, also a senator, and Han Solo, who is both a smuggler and a general, which is really cool! I’m very proud to be their son and I will be a great hero like they are – no, even better! Please don’t be mad at them because of the Empire. I’m glad you will be my friend! I don’t want to be enemies with you at all! 

I'm nine. I don’t have a favorite planet, but I like the ones where there are Jedi things like temples! Did you know I want to be a Jedi? I can use the Force! My favorite colors are blue, grey, green and white (sorry I can't choose one!), my favorite weather is sunny (rain is yucky!), my favorite animals are tauntauns (because of Uncle Luke, haha!), my favorite weapon is the lightsaber, of course. I don’t have a favorite food: we eat too much yummy food to choose one. I’m sad you don’t! I wish I could give you some, but my mom said it would be too difficult to send you anything.

Hugs,

Ben Organa-Solo, son of Senator Princess Leia Organa and Smuggler General Han Solo 

 

Dear Ben,

I’m glad you like my name! Yes, I’ve heard about your parents, though you must know that being a Rebel general is not such a big deal – they made every fool a general in their desperation to win, which is a rank that should only be given to the very best! It’s great that you consider them to be heroes, but you don’t always have to do exactly what your parents did – you must find your own path. But I like it that you want to be even better! I want to be better than my father too. I hope we will both succeed!

I didn’t know you want to be a Jedi. That sure sounds interesting! And I appreciate that you want to give me some of your food, but your mother is right: I’m living on a ship and it’s always moving around and very difficult to find. Also, can you please not end your letters with ‘hugs’? I’m sure that’s normal in the New Republic, but for me it’s a bit weird.

Best wishes,

Armitage Hux, son of Commandant Brendol Hux

 

Dear Armitage,

I’m on Hosnian Prime with my mom because of Senate stuff. It’s very cool! There’s so much here! I love this planet! We went to the lakes (pretty sunset, really red – you would have liked it, because that’s your favorite color!) and used a gondola speeder! The lady who was also in it said that they have these things on Naboo too, and mom let me touch the water with my toes! I wanted to fall into the water, but she held me too strong, though I wiggled so much! Then we ate really yummy cakes! And there was this puppet show. The first one was about a Wookie family, that was very nice (Uncle Chewie was there too, and he laughed so much he scared some of the kids, but not me!). But the puppets in the second one were really mean to the other puppets who were Imperial puppets, and I thought that would make you sad, so I didn’t want to watch that and we left! There was a lot of other stuff but I’m very sleepy now.

Best wishes (sorry about the hugs, I won’t say that anymore!),

Ben Organa-Solo, son of Senator Princess Leia Organa and Smuggler General (And he is not a fool, he deserves to be a general!) Han Solo

 

Dear Ben,

I’ve never been on Hosnian Prime (or any planet of the Core Worlds), but I’m glad you’re having fun there. You know, I was really touched by what you said about the mean puppet show! There are puppet shows on Arkanis as well, and they’re nicer than the one you described on Hosnian Prime. You have a very kind heart, and I’m happy to be your friend! Sadly, my life is not as interesting as yours, so I can’t really tell you anything cool. I study a lot, but I’m sure you’re not interested in that. We learned a little bit about the Jedi last week. I hope you don’t get mad at me, but they sounded rather silly and incompetent. Are you sure you want to be a Jedi? Oh, and you mentioned that you found the ‘Senate stuff’ (to quote you) very cool. What do you mean by that?

Best wishes,

Armitage Hux, son of Commandant Brendol Hux 

 

Armitage!

I am mad at you! The Jedi are the coolest, and they are feeding you lies! Of course I want to be a Jedi! I’m very strong with the Force, what else could I be? But I forgive you because obviously you don’t know what you’re talking about. Still, I don’t really feel like writing a long letter to you, since you said such a mean thing. Well, even if I weren’t mad, I couldn't tell you anything about the Senate. Mom did the Senate stuff while we went around the city with Uncle Chewie. I meant that the planet is very cool, not the Senate. The Senate is so boring!

Okay wishes (because you don’t deserve best wishes!),

Jedi Master (one day!) Ben Organa-Solo, son of Senator Princess Leia Organa and Smuggler General Han Solo

* * *

Dear Armitage,

I’m so sorry! Are you still mad at me for calling you mean? I didn’t even say you are mean, just that what you said was mean. This is the fifth letter with no answer from you, and I miss you a lot! I have bad dreams sometimes now. There’s this scary someone, he’s in the dark, and he tries to talk to me, but I can’t understand him. I want him to be gone, but I’m also curious about what he wants to tell me. What if it’s something very important? Is it weird to have bad dreams? I never had them before!

Best wishes,

Ben (please, please write back!)

 

Dear Ben,

I’m sorry I didn’t write for so long. I was really sick for a while, and then I had to focus on my exams (I got really good grades!). But I’m here again, and I promise I won’t stop writing to you again. Of course it’s normal to have bad dreams. I have lots of nightmares, too. You’re the first person who knows about them, though! My father would be really upset if he knew, and the other cadets would laugh at me! They already mock me sometimes for being so thin and frail-looking, though I’m taller than most of them! They would consider it to be a weakness, having nightmares, especially my father. But I think that as long as they don’t stop you from doing your best while you’re awake they’re not that bad.

Best wishes,

Armitage Hux, son of Commandant Brendol Hux

 

Dear Armitage,

I’m glad you have bad dreams too! That sounds selfish, but it makes me feel less alone. I’m very alone now. The other Jedi apprentices are not my friends, and my mom and dad and Uncle Chewie are all so far away, and Uncle Luke is so busy with everything that he doesn’t have time only for me! I think the other kids are afraid of me? I once used the Force to push one of them and she hurt her head really bad, there was a lot of blood! I didn’t know I can use the Force so well – some of the others can barely push a pebble! I’m sad to hear the other cadets would laugh at you! I wish I could be there and make them bleed with the Force for hurting you! And oh, I almost forgot: I hate to admit, but I think you were right that the Jedi are not the best.

Best wishes,

Ben

 

Dear Ben,

I can take care of myself, but I do appreciate your fervent wish to protect me! It’s not like I cry or anything like that because of a few mean words, I’m much tougher than that! And one day, I will be sitting higher than any of them, and the victory and glory will taste that much sweeter because no one believed that I would ever be able to achieve so much! Well, I would smugly tell you that I told you so, but I’m also sad you don’t feel close to the other apprentices.

Best wishes,

Armitage Hux, son of Commandant Brendol Hux

 

Dear Armitage,

Maybe the dreams are not so bad, actually! The person in my dreams said that he can see how lonely I am, and that I deserve better than this, because my power is greater than what all the other apprentices have put together! Which I sort of already knew, but it’s certainly better to hear it from someone else. He can use the Force too, so he knows what he’s talking about! But Uncle Luke is still my uncle, and I don’t want to turn my back on him! But he will never teach me everything, and the person in my dreams said that if he could be my teacher, I would be able to learn all there is to know about the Force! What do you think I should do, Armitage?

Best wishes,

Ben

 

Dear Ben,

Look, I’m not Force-sensitive, and I know very little about the Force even theoretically. I don’t know anything about the person in your dreams, or about your uncle. I was taught that it’s dangerous to make a strategy if you are missing almost every vital detail. But since you asked for my advice, I will tell you something that my father said and which I absolutely agree with: It’s admirable to become, through hard work, a strong person even if you were once weak, but nothing is more despicable than to be a strong person who lets their gift go to waste because they don’t try to improve. If you really are so powerful in the Force (which I do not doubt!) then it would be a shame if you didn’t grab the opportunity to become even better.

Whatever you choose, I hope you won’t regret it!

Best wishes,

Armitage Hux, son of Commandant Brendol Hux 

* * *

Draft of an unsent, deleted letter:

Dear Armitage,

I don’t know what to do. I know I haven’t written to you in a while, but I feel like I need your help now more than ever. Though I know, intellectually, there’s nothing you can do, it would be so nice to at least read your words, whatever they say!

I got rid of the other Jedi apprentices. I now understand that the Jedi are, as you said so long ago, incompetent. Old-fashioned, ridiculous, they do more harm than good. They don’t deserve to be the masters of the Force, because they don’t truly understand the Force. Snoke understands, and he will teach me everything. He will help me reach my full potential. That was what you said I should do, right? Become even better than I already was. But even knowing all this, I also wonder: what if this was a mistake, the worst thing I could have ever done? What if I doomed everything?

But Snoke said I shouldn’t tell anyone about this. I can’t send this letter to you.

 

Dear Armitage,

How are you? I know I haven’t written to you in a while, but I have been working hard to belong with the Jedi. You may be a bit disappointed, since I know you aren’t fond of them, but I decided to stay with them. Now they are all my friends, and Uncle Luke is very proud of me as well! I went to Hosnian Prime again with some of the others. There are always new things to discover on that planet, it’s even bigger than I remembered! Despite that, even as a tourist I felt somehow like I was a part of it. So yeah, life is pretty great now!

Have you heard the news about the new Chancellor? I don’t know how much information you can get wherever you live now. Do you follow the news? Do you know what happens in the Senate, or, I don’t know, even in the Jedi school or whatever? I always wondered about that, because I know nothing about what happens to you! It’s like the Core Worlds are illuminated and you can see what happens there, while the Outer Rim (that’s where you live, right? Or the Unknown Regions?) are left in the darkness, and who knows what could be going on there?

Best wishes,

Ben Organa-Solo

 

Dear Ben,

I’m glad to hear you’re doing well and everything is so great for you. We try to follow what happens in the Core Worlds, though there are some things that are murky, because we can’t access certain holochannels. So some news reach us either later, or not at all. I don’t appreciate that you made it sound like we’re doing something sinister in the darkness of the outer regions, though! We’re just trying our best to remake our lives, though our planets are poorer and we have a lot less resources than the prosperous Core Worlds.

Look, Ben, I don’t think there’s really any point continuing this correspondence. It was fun, but we’re both older now, and we both have our own lives and they are very different. Though there’s no war (and the Senate says there won’t be ever again, though who knows what could happen in the future), many of my Imperial acquaintances would disapprove if they knew that I send letters to the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo. And I’m sure your Jedi friends would find it weird that you are friends with the son of a famous Imperial officer as well. So this is my last letter to you (though I wouldn’t be against getting a goodbye letter from you), and I hope you will reach your full potential in the Force, with or without the Jedi, because I know what it feels like to struggle to be who you want to be.

Goodbye,

Armitage Hux, son of Commandant Brendol Hux

 

Dear Armitage,

I absolutely understand. Of course I do. I’m really not good at saying goodbye, so forgive me for this very short letter. I hope you will be fine, and that you will be able to achieve your dreams. I wish you only the best.

Goodbye,

Ben


End file.
